never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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