Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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