Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Randomize
