yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
