she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
