your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
