Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
