i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
