this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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