My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
