I got chris browned last night
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
