So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
