So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Hello my rib-scented angel!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My life is pants optional.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
