My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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