I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
