Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
