when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
