I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
