Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
