Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
