Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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