how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
