what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
