I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
