There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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