do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize