he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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