Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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