I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
