I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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