I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
