Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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