I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
