I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
