and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
