You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
