That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I need a beard to bite.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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