brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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