You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
