I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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