I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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