I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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