So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
