this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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