atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
