Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
