I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
