How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
