Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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