At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
