We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
