My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
