He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
