I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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