I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
