i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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