You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We left the knife in your bed.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
