He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
COCAINE IS GR8
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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