Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
