I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
