Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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